I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
