My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
