Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
