Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
