Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You took a bar mat shot.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I lost the right to judge tonight
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
