Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
