I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
