dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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