we have pet lesbian snakes
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
As shirtless as possible
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
