His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
