conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
