sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
