when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
