I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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