I've blown a few things in my day
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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