Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize