Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
