i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
