Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
