Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
