my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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