I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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