I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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