Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
