god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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