I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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