accomplished twins. life is a go
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't put those talents on a resume
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
