so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
BRING THE BAGELS
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
