no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She bit a glass in half.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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