I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
