Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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