she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
