I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
