All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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