so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I need moral support for this bender
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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