hell yes lets make some ravioli
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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