Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
