Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
