She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
