If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
