During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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