Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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