I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He better not be in your backpack
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
