she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
