so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
