look no pants
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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