dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
