if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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