life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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