No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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