please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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