I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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