is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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