She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
