how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
