you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
is it fun? or sober?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
