Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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